What’s Wrong With Me?

Let’s look; what is wrong with you?
Tell me:

Please not “I don’t know!”

What do you criticize yourself for?
As you read this – what did you criticize yourself for so far just this day?
Perhaps too much to even consider or to count;

And why? Because there is no trust!

Sceptic says – “too good to be true”
Cynic says – “NOoo this will not work for me”
this leads to feeling estranged; excluded; even abandoned.

Who are you really? Do you even know?

What you do know is that you make yourself emotionally responsible - 
You take things personally – and you make yourself emotionally responsible for everyone around you’s happiness?
If they are upset – You are upset and you think somehow it is your fault?

AND in your relationships you are often accused that it is your fault.
Because you are the one who feels accountable – you hold yourself accountable – even if you only do it at the level of your thoughts:

This fear of abandonment – that you will be forgotten – left behind –  all alone and at a loss as to what you have done to deserve it?

Born out of the sense of estrangement you are petrified of that feeling, that no one will want you or need you?

This is when you start to teach people about dependence – in actual fact co-dependence; Co dependant relationships are very cruel > harsh > spiteful > “You owe me stuff”; “You will pay for this”; “I’ll get you back!”

The more you believe it is your fault, the more you give in and compromise yourself – “doormat” just to not feel estranged – excluded, abandoned.

Let’s look at this estranged and abandoned sensation…

This is what is causing you to be superficial and you hate it…
Being all things to all people!
Now you no longer trust yourself because don’t know who you are  anymore - you feel lost within yourself – an emotional flatness that goes on and on like a vastness stretching into oblivion, day after day, no end in sight!

You are angry with yourself … frustrated and irritated
“What’s wrong with me?”

Very often these days you ask this over and over to distraction!
YOU must make it happen for them >>>
Make no mistake you love being wanted and you love it when people need you and rely on you -

After all it is who you are
Reliable
Trustworthy
Kind
Resilient
Resourceful

You have all ways been all of the above as far back as you can remember:

Be that as it may still your greatest fear is abandonment – 
It shocks you to witness the ruthlessness of abandonment in this world we call our own.
Being abandoned because you have “no value”
Discarded – written off? With no warning just cast aside with no consideration for the consequences – deep destruction of SELF Esteem and Worth?

So having VALUE is what drives you now - 
AND often this is like a lighthouse to those who seek to exploit and abuse the inherent kindness that you are.
Having VALUE has also now become you putting yourself LAST - 
YOUR needs ; YOUR right are neglected and ignored~

This very act of sacrifice to feel needed is now a source of your often unexplained sense of Rage and resentment –

This rage and resentment that surfaces when you least expect it – kinda pushed you over the edge – it is like a ticking time bomb inside –

Tick tick tick tick tick… look at you

No one sees you
No one hears you
No one cares about you

Can you now see why you feel so uncomfortable with the thought of being alone… all alone – no one wants you… it frightens you!!!

This is the predominant reason – the primary source why you make sure: You teach people to depend on you - 
When they rely on you so heavily – even totally…
You know they even use you
Abuse your kindness – your beautiful giving nature!

Instead of just being the reliable – dependable and trustworthy person you are – you are now the one who cleans the mess – carry the can?

No one else cares really?
Why should they?

Cause you are there…

YOU will sort it out:
and even if this scenario is not really that severe in your LIFE –  this is how it feels deep inside!
Some days it all feels as if there is no purpose – no meaning to it all
you feel lost in your own LIFE –?

I invite you to put a full stop after this chapter now.
RIGHT HERE AND NOW!

Allow your heart to catch up with your Body again!
Time for you to BEGIN from scratch:

New beginnings are like that – start on a clean page…

What does enjoy truly mean to YOU?
The sound of birds?
The taste of a succulent fruit? A juicy and delectable treat!
The luscious green of nature?

The soft cuddliness of a baby animal – kitten – puppy – cub?
A Long languishing bath with soft relaxing music?

STOP

LOOK and SEE
Look out and care for YOU
Listen you are allowed to have needs
Hear your heart speak
Consideration for the wonderful person you already are!

BE good to yourself …YOU are important
my best all ways

My name is Charlotte Spirydonova